Choosing a birthday card is just the first step; now you need to think of something funny to write inside. We've all been there—finding the perfect card but then staring blankly at it, with only "Happy Birthday" coming to mind. But don't fret! Our greeting card experts have scoured the web, sifted through our own collection, and gathered countless ideas to bring you a list of the 69 funniest things you can say in your card. Whether you prefer cheeky, light-hearted, or even slightly rude and offensive messages, we've got you covered. Pick your favourite, and feel free to pass it off as your own. You’re welcome!

Classic Funny Birthday Wishes

These classic birthday wishes are perfect for almost any celebration. Whether it's for a friend you see once a year or a colleague you don't have many inside jokes with, these lines are guaranteed to make them smile.

• I always set my birthday gift budget based on what you gave me. Enjoy your gift of nothing!
• Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I remember without a Facebook reminder.
• Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, because I didn't get you one.
• May your Facebook wall be filled with birthday wishes from people you’ve never met, haven’t seen in years, or genuinely couldn’t care less about.
• On your birthday, don’t forget to set goals that are sky-high and spend the rest of the year miserably trying to reach them.
• You’re a really hard person to shop for, so I didn’t get you anything. Happy birthday!
• Happy birthday to the only person I’d save in a zombie apocalypse.
• If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas!
• Smart, good-looking, and funny. But enough about me. Happy birthday!
• It’s scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer.
• Right, let’s get you so drunk that you end up thinking it’s my birthday and buy me drinks all night 😉
• Happy birthday! Can you believe we used to think people our age were adults with their lives in order?
• Congratulations on getting slightly older!
• Well done—you’ve managed to stay alive for another year!

Old Age Jokes

Is someone you know a bit older than you? Or perhaps they just need a gentle reminder that their best years might be behind them. Here are some top old age jokes and messages, perfect for adding some humour to their birthday.

• Happy birthday—I’m so glad you’ll always be older than me!
• Remember, growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional!
• Birthdays are like spotting Bigfoot. You want to see them but are a bit afraid of what they'll look like.
• If you look back through the years, you’ll first notice that you need a telescope.
• Happy birthday—so far, this is the oldest you’ve ever been!
• At least you’re not as old as you will be next year… if you make it!
• If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them!
• Yes, we’ve reached that age when every compliment we get is followed by "for your age." But you’re still looking great… for your age!
• As you get older, three things happen. First, your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.
• Congratulations! You’re now old enough to need TWO packs of candles for your cake.
• We all knew this day was coming. It’s time to accept that you can no longer eat a Happy Meal in public.
• Don’t worry about your age… alcohol will make it all better!
• I’ll stop making age jokes now… you’ve reached the point where it’s not funny anymore.
• Remember, the more candles on the cake, the bigger the cake! Now who’s laughing?
• Another year older and one step closer to those Velcro shoes!
• Just remember, age is just a number… just a really, REALLY high one in your case!
• I regret to inform you that your childhood has EXPIRED.

Sarcastic Birthday Messages

If you’re the king or queen of sarcasm, or just want them to know how much (or how little) you care, one of these sarcastic birthday messages will do the trick.

• You’re the least famous person I know born on your birthday.
• I couldn’t think of a funny message for your birthday card… you’re too boring…
• I hope your birthday is better than the card I sent you…
• Seriously, I don’t know how many more of your birthdays I can handle.
• Another year older… and you still can’t grow a beard.
• If I made fun of how many years you’ve lived, it would be beyond funny.
• Getting someone as awesome as me to send a birthday message has undoubtedly been your biggest achievement this year.
• Congratulations on being a year older and still maintaining such a low level of maturity; you’re truly an inspiration.
• Happy birthday! Here’s a piece of card to show you how little I care…
• What are you so happy about? It’s your birthday, and you’re going to have to spend a lot of money to keep us happy. At least have fun doing it!
• Life was meant to be celebrated more often than just one day a year. You’re missing opportunities the other 364 days!
• I decided to keep having birthdays because it beats the alternative… death.

Belated Birthday Wishes

Did you forget a friend’s birthday? Or were you away and missed the big day? Don’t worry! With these funny belated birthday wishes, they won’t even mind. Pop one in your card, and you’re off the hook.

• I know you had lots of birthday wishes yesterday, but who’s thinking of you today? Me, that’s who. Happy belated birthday!
• Sorry my birthday wishes are late. I honestly didn’t think you’d live this long. Happy birthday!
• Sorry I wasn’t there to mourn the loss of your youth. Happy birthday!
• It’s not your fault, mate. No one can help the fact that you’re getting older, and that I totally forgot… Happy belated birthday!
• You’re amazing, wise, super cool, fantastic, brilliant, intelligent—but don’t get too excited. I’m only saying all these things because I’m a couple of days late! Happy birthday!
• It wasn’t my fault… Facebook forgot to remind me!
• It’s so hard to believe you’re getting older that I decided to wish you a happy birthday late this year.
• Sorry I missed your birthday… hopefully, you’ll have another one next year…

Funny Quotes for Their Birthday

There’s nothing better than a genuinely funny and creative birthday card to make someone’s special day even more memorable. Here are some funny and creative quotes you can use in their card this year.

• Two things are inevitable for any living person: birthdays and taxes.
• Birthdays are like cheese—they stink more the older they get.
• Ageing is the worst side effect of birthdays.
• There’s really only one true birthday. The rest are simply anniversaries of the day you were born.
• Birthdays are like vacations. You don’t have one too often, and they come and go too quickly.
• The old pessimist focuses on his growing number. The old optimist focuses on his growing blessings.
• Getting older is just part of life… and the other parts are even worse.
• The older you get, the more disoriented your hair gets. Once it leaves your head, it seems to get lost.

There you have it—69 of our best ideas for funny things to write in your next birthday card. If you’ve found the perfect quote but still haven’t bought a card, don’t worry—we can help with that too! Explore our range of funny birthday cards, including a wide variety of brilliant designs they’re sure to love! Plus, why not pair your card with a unique personalised gift for a special birthday present that’s sure to make them laugh?